In what ways is turning 26 very much like making love to a beautiful woman? For me, turning 26 was very much like making love to a beautiful woman — because I spent the day making love to a beautiful woman. In fact, as it was my birthday, I made love to three women … and what turned out to be a goat with a hat on.
Following MeToo, is it still politically correct to lure women with the promise of fine wines, Belgian chocolates and the manly smell of a pipe? A face mask, some compostable carrier bags and a scented candle? Courtship is a dying art.
In what ways is travelling by public transport whil e adhering to strict social distancing guidelines during a worldwide pandemic very much like making love to a beautiful woman? I have absolutely no idea.
I have never used public transport. I am a driver and always will be. To get me on to a bus they will have to prise the steering wheel out of my cold dead hands. But I have seen people using a bus on the television. First, consider entering via the lesser-used rear entrance. The front entrance generally sees more traffic and can be a honey trap for germs.
Then simply enjoy the ride. When you get off, wash your hands and sanitise your PPE — your personal pipe end. The Euros, the Olympics and Wimbledon are all off! How are you coping, Ron? Association soccer — the soccer experience? The piped-in chants of racial abuse, the empty stadia notice how I used the correct term for the plural of stadium there?
If a defender is nutmegged in a forest with no crowd to cheer, does it make any sound? Or something. We shall fight them on the beaches. Oh, yes. This pandemic. That was the last time the football was cancelled. Small boys, on the beach, oil-covered, rotting seagulls for goal posts.
Have you ever had an infectious disease? Interesting people, the Mayans — did you know they played the earliest team sport in the world?!
I was quarantined for rabies, Ebola, Lassa fever and the foxtrot. Is that all right?
My grandchildren tell me I need to keep up with the modern world and use emojis. So, Dave, how are you coping with the virus? We must track and trace.
If you are showing s of Covid get home and get the snooker on — the time will fly by. For me, putting on a mask took me right back to a sub-post office in Wicklow in Essex.
Happy days, nobody got hurt and the insurance paid out. Has lockdown has been good or bad for the planet?
There has sadly been a massive increase in single-use plastic, which is pointless and dangerous for the old globe. The turtles have been strangled just so you can have a tiny bottle of fake spring water sourced from a sewage works in Dagenham. And now we are being stung by jellyfish. Get down the cash and carry and get a barrel of water. The planet enjoyed a break cos of Covid but we need a permanent one.
Kenneth: Lockdown? Ooh, suit you, sir. Locked right down sir. In a dungeon … Ooooh. Our shop has reopened, but it has all changed.
You have to wear a mask. Ken: Do you wear a mask, sir? Do you? Does it add a little spice to your life?
Kenneth: Ooh. I like all genders. You can use whatever pronoun you like with me. Ooh, suit you. People have been buying fewer clothes in lockdown. Ken: Well, body shapes change sir. And we need to accommodate that.
Now the large booty is in fashion. Kenneth: Do you like the large booty, sir? Ooh, suit you! Sorry, what was the question again? They only have four different names, Edward, George, Henry and George again. First they were Normans, which were a sort of French with funny helmets, then they were Scottish, then they were Dutch, then they were Germans and then they became British, just in time for world war two.
Nothing ever happens round here.
Specially since lockdown. Except when we go to illegal raves in the park, take hippy crack and fight each other. The Fast Show. Thu 27 Aug Reuse this content.