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I have been feeling really cold lately. Just empty and cold. I feel so depressed. I am full of regret and confusion. I am feeling the deep sadness of losing of a friend. A major important person in my life is not there anymore and it's painful. I miss talking with you. I miss knowing you were at least going to be there. You are funny sometimes, I miss that too. I miss the times we could just talk and have a good conversation.
What happened to those times? On our first date you asked me what happens when we run out of stuff to talk about. I didn't think this. It shouldn't be this.
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Sometimes I think I made a huge mistake. I should have fought through this and worked harder on our relationship. You are worth it.
Sometimes I feel, though I love you, there was still something not quite right, and though painful, this is the right thing. Sometimes I feel what was missing was just within me, and I created this whole "something missing in our relationship" thing, and now I killed it. That was dumb.
Maybe I should stand on your lawn in the rain with a boombox. Sometimes I think I'm stupid. Sometimes I feel we were destined to be together and I am screwing over fate. Who else knows what a Catalpa tree is? I suppose the pain is part of breaking up and moving on, and I know I am the one who asked for this, but never the less, it sucks and it's sad and I feel it deeply. I really started to feel that this silence and this cold turkey severing of communication might give the impression that I don't honor the bond and time we had together.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
I think about you always and I am always wishing for some little reason to communicate, bag pipes or whatever. I am also sort of mad at you.
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You didn't fight for me at all. I just said I think we should break up and you just said ok.
I think I always just wanted some passion out of you. I needed you to provide some push and not just clam up. Sometimes you just let me be a jerk when all I wanted was for you to tell me I was being a jerk.
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I wish you would have told me you had been angry for a whole year, Why wouldn't you tell me?? What were you afraid of Well, not fighting led us to break up.
We never fought and it got ho-hum. Energyless should be a word Humph, take that! I want to laugh with you again. I started therapy again. I learned that I impose guilt and shame on myself because I feel like I am not good enough, not successful enough, and feel I should be able to accomplish more. This guilt and shame also makes me feel weak and makes me feel like I am not worthy of love, so I get depressed and push you away. How that knowledge is suppose to fix anything now is any ones best guess.
My therapist says I should set more realistic goals.
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That sounds boring to me. I hate being alone. I guess that I am hoping for the best for you. I am not able to just squeeze you out of my heart. My heart seems pretty numb anyway, clouded again by my brain. My horrorscope said I needed to remember what was important in life. I guess that would be I guess sometimes I think I did all the wrong things with good reasoning.
Like maybe I should have just married you in that first year when I was so sure and so in love. Maybe I should want to have children with you.
Maybe we should have a family. Right now life seems pretty empty without any of that. Maybe this is the worst type of thinking. What are you doing?
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What are you going to do. That's another thing.
I always wanted to do something together and work passionately together on something we both felt passionately about and then we could have these passionate talks about it and at the end of the day make out passionately because we were living the dream.
Therapist: More reasonable goals. Too high of expectations. Fuck that.
That's what I want. I am confused. Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe it's just sad right now.
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Maybe I was right, I am just lonely and trying to avoid taking responsibility for my life. I am going to die someday. Half my life is over