We all want to be loved, and we want that love to be effortless. Perhaps, this is why people have long been romanced by the concept of a magic potion that perfectly patches people back together, igniting passion, liveliness, and love. Comical conflict ensues as characters fall in and out of love, left and right. Though I loved the play, I remember being slightly irked at this one outcome, that this particular love was inauthentic, that Shakespeare had cheated. In reality, we all want to be loved, but in order to have the love we say we want, we have to throw fantasy out the window.
According to many experts, what causes us to fall out of love has a lot to do with our tendency to protect ourselves by pushing back, losing sight of who we are as individuals, and forgoing real intimacy for a fantasy of connection. Staying in love has less to do with an unseen force pushing us toward or away from another and more to do with our own willingness to be open and vulnerable and to look at the behaviors that are steering us away from our closest feelings.
This is good news, because it means we have a lot more power than we think when it comes to how we feel. As Dr. It is a skill. To be truly loving, we have to take actual actions toward our partner that he or she experiences as loving. According to Dr. Firestone, there are ways to stay truly connected to our love for someone else, to help them feel seen, loved, and, therefore, more open and affectionate toward us.
Here are some essential tips adapted from the work of Dr. Firestone and her father Dr. Robert Firestone, author of The Fantasy Bond. See the person for who he or she is.
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True love has to be true. To love someone, we have to know them. A famous study by Arthur Aron listed a series of personal questions that can produce intimacy and closeness between two otherwise strangers, leading some to say they make people fall in love. Express affection. The more we express love physically and emotionally, the more we feel it. A Stonybrook University study concluded that intense love can last long-term, and that one of the main factors making this possible is the presence of physical affection like hugging and kissing.
Part of not letting love fade means connecting to it physically through touch, contact, and intimacy. Do things the other person will perceive as loving.
As much as we may love another person, sometimes we become so wrapped up in our own feelings that we stop seeing the other person. Throwing a huge birthday party may feel generous, but maybe our partner would prefer if we just slowed down and caught up. We should always aim to offer tenderness, compassion, and sensitivity to the needs of the other person.
What expressions of love would make him or her uniquely happy? Support what lights the person up separately from yourself. As we get closer, however, we sometimes start to limit each other, relating as a unit as opposed to two individuals. This can be a good thing in the sense of sharing more and feeling close, but when we start to control and restrict each other, the relationship tends to deaden and even create resentment.
We should never give up being ourselves in a relationship nor should we ask someone else to give up themselves. This means we may have to stop trying to control the situation.
Love thrives when two individuals make a choice to be together to enrich their lives, not to limit them. Encourage the other person to see their friends and to do the activities that make them come alive. This is the only way to maintain our feelings of freedom and attraction.
Magic spell to make someone love you
Share activities and pursuits both old and new. When we first get close to another person, we often share a bunch of new activities that make our lives feel fuller and more exciting. As we get more bogged down into routine, we may stop doing those things we once loved to share like cooking together, meeting up for coffee, or, as many couples report, having as much physical contact or sex. Again, the idea is for our worlds to always be growing as a means of keeping ourselves feeling alive in the relationship.
Engage in an ongoing, honest exchange of personal feelings. When we are open with another person, we allow them to truly know us. By being vulnerable and saying what we want and how we feel, we give our partner an opportunity to get close to us, to feel for us, and understand who we are. Be wary of your inner critic. While there is no single secret, no potion we can conjure up, to make love last, holding these practices as principle gives us the best chance of having real love in our lives for as long as possible.
This kind of love is richer than fantasy and more rewarding than mere loyalty. It keeps us invigorated and excited about the possibilities of a given day.
When taken to heart, these steps keep us more than just in love, but alive, and not just to our partner but within ourselves. LoveRelationships By Carolyn Joyce. About the Author.
Her interest in psychology led her to pursue writing in the field of mental health education and awareness. Carolyn's training in multimedia reporting has helped support and expand PsychAlive's efforts to provide free articles, videos, podcasts, and Webinars to the public. She now works as an editor for PsychAlive and a communications specialist at The Glendon Associationthe non-profit mental health research organization that produced PsychAlive.
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